Mascot Madness: Sweet Sixteen

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

In case you are checking in for the first time, or if you just want to relive some of the memories, here is exactly how we got here:

Round 1: Midwest
Round 1: West
Round 1: East
Round 1: South
Round 2: Midwest and West
Round 2: East and South


Midwest Bracket

#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels

This match-up plays out according to the old adage "slow and steady wins the race".

I have no idea why these rebels are running? How can you possibly rebel against something if you are running away?

They are carrying double six-shooter revolvers. Those things weigh a ton. It can't be that easy to run while carrying two firearms. Then there is the ten-gallon-hat, the bandoleer, the holster, chaps, boots, bolo tie... Trying to run with all that crap on would make for a fruitless effort.

Turtles on the other hand are cool, calm and collected. Well, they move slow enough to appear as though they have everything under control. What actually goes on underneath that Kevlar shell is a mystery to all us non-biologists.

UNLV gets out to a quick lead but the Terps slowly close the gap. Second half is dominated by Maryland. Rebs shoot nothing but blanks.

Winner - #4 Maryland Terrapins


#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

I am a fan of tournament expansion solely for mascot-related reasons. But here we have a prime example of the beauty of March Madness: Hispanic cowboys versus Hispanic Indians.

I couldn't have set this up any better if I had tried (and I didn't). UCSB against SDSU. Southern California clashes with even-more-Southern California. Big West meets Mountain West.

In a 1v1, a cowboy would usually win, but this is a team sport and a swarm of Aztecs would massacre a group of cowboys. Unless you never passed ninth grade social studies, you know how dominant the Aztecs were. They were like the UCLA of Mexico before the coach Cal's of the world (Spanish Armada) came in and took over.

Sorry Gauchos. I do like the Big West - tt's given us dunk-titan Gerard Anderson and PA announcer/WEC ring announcer Joe Martinez.

But Aztecs are savages. Despite how stupid I think the MWC is, Marshall Faulk's alma mater is paving a path of destruction, and the next stop is the Elite Eight.

Winner - #11 San Diego State Aztecs



West Bracket

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts

Don't get me wrong, I like Vermont. Despite being the only New England state without a coastline, they give us maple syrup, Ben & Jerry's, Phish, and most importantly "SORRENTINE FROM THE PARKING LOT".

The BIAH gods warn us not to go against a Gus Johnson call, but I just feel like The Pennybags family always has a way to get the upper-hand. It could be monopolizing the hemp and dairy industries. Even going on a private expedition of the Vermont frontier, hunting down the entire catamount population is not out of the question. They've got money and power, which is a lethal combination.

Plus, I knew a bunch of hot girls who went to Vandy. The only Vermonsters I know are hippies. I don't like hippies. They like crappy music, force their opinions on me, and think old carpets are acceptable replacements for actual items of clothing.

Winner - #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green

The bad boys from Oakland (Rochester, MI) take on the the meanest of the lesser-Texas schools. No it's not "Mean Gene" (Okerlund), nor "the Big Green" (you know, that Disney soccer movie about a team eerily similar to the 'Mighty Ducks', except Steve Guttenberg instead of Emilio Estevez).

The inspiration for North Texas' nickname came from legendary Pittsburgh Steeler and former North Texas alum "Mean" Joe Greene. I might be too young to remember Mr. Greene, but, like, was he really THAT GOOD?

I mean, to get a team named after you, professional or collegiate, you have to be nearing icon status. Shortstop workhorse Cal Ripken Jr. inspired the Aberdeen Ironbirds (MLB-A). The Calgary Hitmen (WHL) are named for legendary wrestler Brett "The Hitman" Hart. Maybe the people in North Texas think "Mean" Joe Greene was a god, but I only remember him from that coca-cola commercial. Plus, Troy Polamalu's version was much better.

Joe Greene might have been a mean dude, but the Summit League champs are straight outta Oakland (OK, they really aren't at all, but just go with it). I saw Jim Brown get his butt kicked by some thugs in an old made-for-TV movie once. Jim Brown was a lot better than Joe Greene at football AND he probably could take a better woopin'.

The O.G.G. - The Original Golden Grizzlies -- give North Texas a back-alley beatdown. Even a gatorade cooler full of Coke Zero can't save the Mean Green.

Winner - #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


East Bracket

#5 Temple Owls vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

This is a difficult match-up to forecast.

Owls and Buccaneers are completely foreign to each other. If for some reason a pirate ship were attacked by a parliament of owls (yup, that's what it's called), I'd think the Bucs would have trouble fending off the merciless nighthawks.

On the other hand, pirates do have a good relationship with parrots, so it's not like this will be the first time ETSU will have to deal with aggressive avians. Proper gameplanning and execution pays off as the Bucs pick the hooters right out of the night sky.

Winner - #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers


#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #3 New Mexico Lobos

The musket-carrying mountain men have their toughest competition in front of them in this #2 vs. #3 match-up. They have already dispatched of bears and huskies, so you would think lobos would be a walk in the park.

But New Mexico is far out of the range of "mountaineer country". The Mountaineers are less-familiar with the dry, arid southwestern desert surroundings. Quickly, it becomes the lobo that is tracking the mountaineer.

Things get ugly for WVU when Truck Bryant gets his foot caught in a bear trap and Joe Mazzulla gets shot with an errant rifle bullet. The team already lost Cam Thoroughman and Deniz Kilicli to dysentery somewhere between Sinking Springs and the Rio Grande. Darington Hobson (Best.Name.Ever) and his pack feast on what is left of the mountaineers.

Winner - #3 New Mexico Lobos


South Bracket

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions

It's quite possible that the National Champion emerges from the south bracket. All four teams boast top-notch mascot/nickname combinations. APB's tough non-con schedule coupled with Purdue's depleted squad have made for quite a post-season dandy. I'm not sure what is more important about a mascot: creativity/originality or ferocity/badass-ness?

Purdue has more originality, but APB has way more ferocity. But to be honest, I'm getting pretty tired of hearing about all the golden creatures in this tournament. At first it was cool, but now it just seems like a cop-out.

How come silver doesn't get any love? I'm still anxiously awaiting the day Tennessee-Chattanooga changes from the "Mocassins" to the "Silver Snakes".

I mean, I would take APB more seriously, but a lion, like, real African lion, residing in Pine Bluff, Arkansas? That's just not believable at all. I like what they are thinking, but come on fellas, this is Arkansas we are talking about. I would have been fine working with a more realistic "Arkansas-Pine Bluff Thundering Muskrats".

Additionally, that rail-splitting sledgehammer held by Purdue Pete is more than enough to render an animal, golden or not, unconscious.

Winner - #4 Purdue Boilermakers


#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs

Two great nickname/mascot combos meet in our final Sweet Sixteen tilt. It's the eight-legged arachnids against the single-minded arch-duke-kings. Spiderman versus King Louis XIV.

This match up turns out to be an instant classic. ODU's weakness is their lack of control due to having only one government official. However, they make up for their selfishness by playing all five positions on the floor. They can be kings, queens, dukes, emperors, or even sultans.

The spiders have great-court vision (they have eight eyes, duh) and footwork (eight legs, double-duh), which is evident by their speedy backcourt of David Gonzalvez and Kevin Anderson.

Although Monarchs have absolute power, they are known for their backstabbing, in-fighting and general mistreatment of everything they control. Late in the game, Gerald Lee doesn't think Marsharee Neely should handle the ball, so he poisons him. Kent Bazemen beheads Keyon Cooper during the under-four timeout, and head coach Blaine Taylor names his four daughters - Amber, Ashley, Alexandria, and Alana -- as heirs to the Old Dominion head coaching position.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders


Next Round: Elite Eight

Midwest Bracket
#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

West Bracket
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzles

East Bracket
#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

South Bracket
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #7 Richmond Spiders