Mascot Madness: Final Four Preview

I'm doing this because my family abandoned me on Easter, and because the dog is not being very talkative.

Here we are, the Final Four. The promised land. Are these the four best mascots in the field of 64? probably not. Like Butler and Michigan State, some mascots played the brackets well and have exceeded expectations. These are the four most deserving mascots in the country.


Let's take a look at how all four of these teams got here:

In case you are checking in for the first time, or if you just want to relive some of the memories, here are the results for each round:

Round 1: Midwest
Round 1: West
Round 1: East
Round 1: South
Round 2: Midwest and West
Round 2: East and South
Sweet Sixteen
Elite Eight

#11 San Diego State Aztecs
- Midest Region Champions

Round of 64: #6 Tennessee Volunteers
Hmm, I wonder how this one plays out. Let's see. Volunteers are usually known as helpful people, willing to support or help any friend, neighbor or person in need. While Aztecs on the other-hand, are remembered for being the most dominant, powerful, and controlling group of Mexican Indians ever known (well, before the Spanish came in and enslaved them all). Rocky Top is no match for the tribe still angry about the desecration of their entire civilization. Another bloodbath as SDSU advances.

Round of 32:#3 Georgetown Hoyas
Whatever a Hoya is, it's unable to do any damage to the mighty Aztec nation. The black-and-red natives scalp the entire Young Republicans Club then proceed to march down Pennsylvania Avenue protesting against immigration laws.

Sweet-16: #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos
I am a fan of tournament expansion solely for mascot-related reasons. But here we have a prime example of the beauty of March Madness: Hispanic cowboys versus Hispanic Indians.

I couldn't have set this up any better if I had tried (and I didn't). UCSB against SDSU. Southern California clashes with even-more-Southern California. Big West meets Mountain West.

In a 1v1, a cowboy would usually win, but this is a team sport and a swarm of Aztecs would massacre a group of cowboys. Unless you never passed ninth grade social studies, you know how dominant the Aztecs were. They were like the UCLA of Mexico before the coach Cal's of the world (Spanish Armada) came in and took over.

Sorry Gauchos. I do like the Big West - tt's given us dunk-titan Gerard Anderson and PA announcer/WEC ring announcer Joe Martinez.

But Aztecs are savages. Despite how stupid I think the MWC is, Marshall Faulk's alma mater is paving a path of destruction, and the next stop is the Elite Eight.

Elite Eight: #4 Maryland Terrapins
No team has been able to crack the titanium shells of the Maryland Terrapins.

Until now.

Aztecs seem like the type of people who would feast on large box terrapins. Remember, these are hunter-gatherers we are talking about. They use what ever resources are available. If all the bison and coyotes have ben over-hunted, why not hunt oversized turtles?

It won't be an easy task for the Aztecs. Turtle shells are nearly-impossible to crack, but thanks to an off-night from Greivis Vasquez, the Aztecs are able to flip Testudo on his back. It's much easier to disect a turtle from the underside (Thank you high school biology class), especially when wielding dual-tomahawks.

The Aztecs can now use the shells for armor, weaponry or even as pottery. I've heard turle soup is delicious.




#4 Vanderbilt Commodores
- West Region Champions

Round of 64: #13 Murray State Racers
This is another great match-up. The gold-and-black snobby, old, rich people against the blue-and-yellow jockeys. I've always been a fan of mascots/nicknames involving the racing industry: Greyhounds (Loyola-MD), Thoroughbreads (Skidmore College). Nonetheless, the oil tycoons take this one by purchasing all the jockeys and building a glue factory for the horses.

Round of 32: #12 UTEP Miners
This one is over quickly when Cornelius Vanderbilt purchases all the diamond mines in West Africa. Derrick Caracter bolts, the labor union disbands and all the miners die from malaria. The Commodores are able to replace miners with trained chimpanzees and avoid the recession.

Sweet-16: #16 Vermont Catamounts
Don't get me wrong, I like Vermont. Despite being the only New England state without a coastline, they give us maple syrup, Ben & Jerry's, Phish, and most importantly "SORRENTINE FROM THE PARKING LOT".

The BIAH gods warn us not to go against a Gus Johnson call, but I just feel like The Pennybags family always has a way to get the upper-hand. It could be monopolizing the hemp and dairy industries. Even going on a private expedition of the Vermont frontier, hunting down the entire catamount population is not out of the question. They've got money and power, which is a lethal combination.

Plus, I knew a bunch of hot girls who went to Vandy. The only Vermonsters I know are hippies. I don't like hippies. They like crappy music, force their opinions on me, and think old carpets are acceptable replacements for actual items of clothing.

Elite Eight: #14 Oakland Golden Grizzles
Golden grizzlies are a rare breed. Unfortunately, monopolizing tycoons are the type of people that like to collect rare things. Vanderbilt uses another rare import - 7-foot Australian AJ Ogilvy - to dominate the overwhelmed Summit League champs. The griz are tranquilized, de-clawed and caged. Vanderbilt is going to the Final Four.




#16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers
- East Region Champions

Round of 64: #1 Kentucky Wildcats
All the illegal recruiting in the world can't save Calipari's squad from an good-ole-fashioned rape-and-pillage. Kentucky might have basketball history but what they don't have is anything interesting in terms of mascot, nickname, colors or logo. ETSU has awesome colors (black/yellow/blue), a cool mascot, and a ferocious logo. ETSU wipes out Kentucky, including the capturing of all the team's potential draftees. Calipari is forced to walk the plank.

Round of 32: #9 Texas Longhorns
This battle features a drastic difference in fighting styles. Bucs are dominant swash-bucklers and have a solid rob-to-plunder ratio. Longhorns are slow but powerful, and their horns have a high damage rate. What this comes down to is simple: Desire. Cattle enjoy grazing aimlessly in pastures for hours. Buccaneers on the otherhand are merciless thieves who never turn down a chance to collect some booty. Late in the game, ETSU "cow-tips" Dexter Pittman and he is unable to get up.

Sweet-16: #5 Temple Owls
This is a difficult match-up to forecast.

Owls and Buccaneers are completely foreign to each other. If for some reason a pirate ship were attacked by a parliament of owls (yup, that's what it's called), I'd think the Bucs would have trouble fending off the merciless nighthawks.

On the other hand, pirates do have a good relationship with parrots, so it's not like this will be the first time ETSU will have to deal with aggressive avians. Proper gameplanning and execution pays off as the Bucs pick the hooters right out of the night sky.

Elite Eight: #3 New Mexico Lobos
The name buccaneer comes from the french word boucan, which was a wooden frame that hunters used to cook smoked meat on. The hunters were known as boucaniers.

So basically, buccaneers are nothing more than the gluttons of the swash-buckling industry. They aren't the pirates that are adept at swordsmanship nor are they the pirates known for their good sailing skills. Nope, the Buccaneers are known for their culinary expertise.

That brilliant peice information is the type of thing that can propel a team to the next level. I won't question what pirates are doing in land-locked Eastern Tennessee for now.

The "Iron Chefs of the High Seas" slice-and-dice the lobos, serving them on a bed of couscous, with southwestern challots and chipotle spices.




#7 Richmond Spiders
- South Region Champions

Round of 64: #10 St. Marys Gaels
This might be one of the best match-ups of the first round. I'm terrified of spiders but they make for a unique mascot. Gaels are a small group of scotch-irish people from the mideivel times (no, not that medeivel times). The irish were good at getting rid of snakes, not spiders. Plus, there is a significant ammount of letdown from the fact that I thought "gaels" refered to a strong gust of wind. That would have won it for them. They also would have been better off being called "the Fightin' Samhans". Richmond wins, which makes UFC middleweight champion Anderson "The Spider" Silva very very happy.

Round of 32: #15 Robert Morris Colonials
You would think that the Colonials squash the bugs and advance to the Sweet Sixteen, right? Wrong. You forget that most historical figure mascots have week immune systems due to their rudimentary medical knowledge. One spider bite is all it takes to wipe out the colony of New Pittsburgh.

Sweet-16: #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
Two great nickname/mascot combos meet in our final Sweet Sixteen tilt. It's the eight-legged arachnids against the single-minded arch-duke-kings. Spiderman versus King Louis XIV.

This match up turns out to be an instant classic. ODU's weakness is their lack of control due to having only one government official. However, they make up for their selfishness by playing all five positions on the floor. They can be kings, queens, dukes, emperors, or even sultans.

The spiders have great-court vision (they have eight eyes, duh) and footwork (eight legs, double-duh), which is evident by their speedy backcourt of David Gonzalvez and Kevin Anderson.

Although Monarchs have absolute power, they are known for their backstabbing, in-fighting and general mistreatment of everything they control. Late in the game, Gerald Lee doesn't think Marsharee Neely should handle the ball, so he poisons him. Kent Bazemen beheads Keyon Cooper during the under-four timeout, and head coach Blaine Taylor names his four daughters - Amber, Ashley, Alexandria, and Alana -- as heirs to the Old Dominion head coaching position

Elite Eight: #4 Purdue Boilermakers
Purdue has been steamrolling opponents thus far. The Boilermaker Special has been running at full steam, despite lead conductor Robbie Hummel being out for the season.

Purdue is looking to make it an "all-human" Final Four, but the eight-legged-freaks from the Atlantic-14 have other plans. Spiders are the perfect party-crashers. they are small, nimble, sometimes posionous, and most importantly - really really gross.

There aren't alot of situations in which a spider could physically defeat a speeding train, but sometimes March Madness works in mysterious ways. I mean, Butler AND Michigan State in the Final Four? Anything is possible.

The Richmond Spiders shock the world and become the only non-human mascot in the Final Four.