Basketball is a game dominated by the blessed: the best of the best are the guys blessed with height, athleticism, and coordination. The are precious few people in the world built like a John Wall or a Derrick Rose. Rare is it that you come across a physical specimen like Blake Griffin or Al-Farouq Aminu. Those guys succeed in large part because they are bigger, or faster, or stronger, or can jump higher (or all of the above) than their opponents. While these are the guys that are the most fun and impressive to watch, at times it is difficult to root for them.
We at BIAH tend to pull for the underdog, today we take a look at our favorite kind of underdog: the land warrior.
What defines a land warrior?
A land warrior won't jump over you. He won't run by you or go around you. Land warriors will go through you. Why? Simply put, they are the widest players on the floor. They are the guys that always got their own seat on the team bus out of necessity, not seniority. The guys that Grandma always made sure got an extra plate of leftovers at Thanksgiving. How these men wound up on the hardwood and not on the gridiron will remain a mystery to high school and college football coaches around the country.
The rotund infantry always seem to be the fan favorites. They aren't the prettiest or the flashiest. They aren't primadonnas. They don't have that perfectly toned and streamlined body with the biceps of a Greek god. They don't look like an athlete as much as the guy next to you drinking a Bud Heavy while eating Doritos dipped in cheese sauce.
These heroes have flown under the radar for too long. It is time to put a stop to this injustice. Let us waste no more time in honoring our favorite soldiers of the terrain:
James "Big Lumber" Eayrs - UW-Milwaukee - 6'7, 310lbs
Let us be the first to introduce you (pending you aren't already familiar, thank you Sports Illustrated) to the quintessential land warrior.
His name? James Eayrs. His Occupation? "Big Lumber". We must give SI's Seth Davis credit for opening our eyes to this monstrous wrecking-ball with long range firepower.
Here is what Davis had to say about the man who moves like a nimble iguana: Body of a sumo wrestler, hands of a surgeon, feet of a ballet dancer.
Luke Winn also had nice things to say about the over-sized riot shield with a buttery touch: How can you not love Big Lumber? He's the Big Baby of the Northwoods, standing 6-7 and weighing 310 pounds, lighting up the Horizon League with surprising touch for his size. Not only does Eayrs provide constant entertainment -- his look and body type are completely unique in college hoops -- he gives hope to husky children everywhere, that one day, they, too, can play college hoops.
Take a look at this true land warrior and then imagine him with an extra 80lbs of "armor". Entering his freshman year, Eayrs tipped the scales at a svelte 390lbs. At 6'7 and 390lbs he would be hands-down the largest player in the NFL. But at a sleek 310lbs this land warrior has extra mobility and has acquired long-range precision (he is 14-37 from behind the arch).
Jame Eayrs was not always known as "Big Lumber". He heard "The Dancing Polar Bear", "Big James", and "Big Country". It was not until a January 9th, 2009, when Eayrs sank a game-tying 3-point buzzer-beater, that the legend of "Big Lumber" was born. The rotund rocket-launcher has become something of a pop icon in Milwaukee. During the siberian-esque winters in the great Midwest, people ditch the ice fishing in favor of bearing witness to the quintessential land warrior. The fans love him, the commentators are wooed by him, and the opposing players and coaches are absolutely puzzled by him. He is "Big Lumber" .
Dexter Pittman - Texas - 6'10, 298lbs
Pittman is another example of a land warrior who went into boot camp as a "project" and left as a husky but muscular fighting machine. Pittman is your hand-to-hand combat specialist. He breaks the mold of a true "hippo of the hardwood" because he has shed nearly 30 pounds in four years and is now a chiseled one-man battering ram.
His long frame means even weight-displacement for more raw power. He is the Longhorn's go-to weapon for clearing 2-4 defenders out of the paint, offensive rebounding, and tearing down the Berlin Wall.
Pierre Henderson-Niles - Memphis - 6'8, 300lbs
I have had a chance to view this man-bear-pig in close-quarters and let me tell you that Henderson-Niles has got to be one of the largest land mammals on the planet earth. Best known for his skills at preying on small groups of farm animals by himself, PHN is one of the most ferocious-looking creatures on the college basketball savanna.
The scariest part about this behemoth is that he could be even bigger. This specimen has crammed all 300lbs of muscle and rawhide onto his athletic frame. Attempting to stand in front of the mammoth power forward at top speed is considered a death wish in many cultures. Henderson-Niles never quite lived up to his potential though. He is currently averaging only 3.8ppg, which happens to be his career high.
Arinze Onuaku - Syracuse - 6'9, 275lbs
Of the same species as our last creature, this specimen is a tad smaller and is only located in the Northern United States. Despite it's somewhat slim physique, the land warrior known as Onuaku is even more talented ferocious than Henderson-Niles. Adorned by his trademark head band, Onuaku is the most dominating post player the Orangemen have.
He has raw power and athleticism but lacking a smooth touch at the charity stripe and poor ball-handling skills keeps Arinze from being an "elite big man". It also means he must resort to picking on the larger, slower animals in the savannah, as he is no match for quick gazelles or savvy hyenas.
Keith "Tiny" Gallon - Oklahoma - 6'8, 290lbs
Every infantry unit has a "Jumbo", a "slim" or a "Big John" amongst them. This rookie land warrior is new to the battlefield, but already shows signs of improvement. His areas of expertise include rebounding, footwork, and carpet-bombing.
"Tiny" is no Blake Griffin, but he is doing better than expected filling the hole in the Sooner's frontcourt left by Blake and Taylor Griffin. Gallon may still be nothing more than a man-child at this point, but his touch is developing nicely. But give this plebe some time to mature. However, at a university with practice squad offensive linemen the size of Gallon, he has to set his stun-gun on dazzle in order to win over the Boomer Sooner fans.
Derrick Nix - Michigan State - 6'9, 275lbs
Nix is big-boned, large, wide, long, tall, and any other word you use to describe a man of enormous proportions. Nix suffers from a disease that is too common among land warriors: Shaq Flu
Most beasts can cope with mediocre ball skills, but Nix is a one-of-a-kind specimen. His hands are rather slow, which undoubtedly meant he was the kid back in the day who never was able to snag the last biscuit at the dinner table. In order to gain the fan base of a true land warrior, Nix will need to work on his accuracy. Because, you know, 5% free throw shooting just won't cut it.
Seriously.
5%.
Other Notable Land Warriors:
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Land Warriors: 2009-2010 Best of the Biggest |
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