Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (South)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

after all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (West)

#1 Duke Blue Devils vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions
Didn't a golden lion save Narnia in that bad-ass children's movie? I'm pretty sure he did. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was killed, then came back to life and destroyed all the forces of evil. What was the last cool thing a blue devil did? Surf on-top of band members during a TV timeout? Every mascot does that. Hell, I'd give the Cameron Crazies better odds of defeating Golden Lions than the actual blue devil.

Winner - #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions

#8 California Golden Bears vs. #9 Louisville Cardinals
The only "golden bear" that these cardinals could stand a chance against is Jack Nickalaus, (the original golden bear) and I'd still not want to wager any money on it. The 80+ year-old duffer could KO a cardinal from 130 yards out with a pitching wedge. This fact makes the Louisville the weakest mascot in the field by far. It's all Cal in this one. Golden Bears are still picking cardinal feathers out of their paws.

Winner - #8 California Golden Bears

#5 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #12 Utah State Aggies
We've got the Texas nerds up against the Utah nerds. I'm gonna go out on a limb and pick the aggies in this one. The Utah Aggies that is. The nicknames might be the same, but Utah State's mascot is scary-looking. I will look past the fact that it has no correlation to agricultural sciences whatsoever.

Winner - #12 Utah State Aggies

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #13 Siena Saints
Siena calls themselves the saints, but fail to mention that "saints" is short for "saint bernard". I like dogs, but I don't like liars. I'll take the sledgehammer-wielding railroad workers in this one.

Winner - #4 Purdue Boilermakers

#6 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
I think this one already took place. It was a couple hundred years ago. I think Mel Gibson was there, right? No? well you get the point anyways. I feel like I should never bet against an irishman in a fight, but monarchs are in-charge of entire kingdoms, so....yea. Plus, nobody actually enjoys South Bend, Indiana, not even "Touchdown Jesus". The Monarchs win, take over the irish countryside and ship the losers off to the New World.

Winner - #11 Old Dominion Monarchs

#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 Sam Houston State Bearkats
Sorry SHSU, but you can't make up your own animal and hope to get away with it. Your mascot is neither bear, nor cat. Nor did your university make an attempt to spell it correctly. Strikes 1, 2 and 3. But for you who actually care about animal science, you will be happy to know that the bearcat is most closely-related to the binturong, a nearly-endangered species of badger-esque civet located in Southeast Asia. The scent of Binturong musk is often compared to that of warm buttered popcorn and cornbread. The best part is that I didn't make that up at all. Unfortunately, SHSU decided to be cute and spell "bearkat" with a "k".

Winner - #3 Baylor Bears

#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #10 St. Marys Gaels
This might be one of the best match-ups of the first round. I'm terrified of spiders but they make for a unique mascot. Gaels are a small group of scotch-irish people from the mideivel times (no, not that medeivel times). The irish were good at getting rid of snakes, not spiders. Plus, there is a significant ammount of letdown from the fact that I thought "gaels" refered to a strong gust of wind. That would have won it for them. They also would have been better off being called "the Fightin' Samhans". Richmond wins, which makes UFC middleweight champion Anderson "The Spider" Silva very very happy.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders

#2 Villanova Wildcats vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
If you've been following along this entire time, you've realized that Wildcats don't stand a chance in this tournament. Colonials are amongst one of the weakest human mascots in this field. But, fortunately for them, they take on the weakest overall mascot in the tournament. Bobby Mo turns all former wildcat territory into "New Pittsburgh". It makes the lost colony of Roanoke look like Manhattan.

Winner - #15 Robert Morris Colonials

Next Round:
#8 California Golden Bears vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Grizzlies
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #12 Utah State Aggies
#3 Baylor Bears vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials

Up Next:
Round of 32 (Midwest and West)

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