Monday, March 29, 2010

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (East)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

after all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (West)

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

All the illegal recruiting in the world can't save Calipari's squad from an good-ole-fashioned rape-and-pillage. Kentucky might have basketball history but what they don't have is anything interesting in terms of mascot, nickname, colors or logo. ETSU has awesome colors (black/yellow/blue), a cool mascot, and a ferocious logo. ETSU wipes out Kentucky, including the capturing of all the team's potential draftees. Calipari is forced to walk the plank.

Winner - #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

#8 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #9 Texas Longhorns

A Demon Deacon is the weakest type of demon out there. I mean, a deacon possessed by the devil? Oh No!, what are we to do? He will surely steal all the money from the church collection box! What is the "Demon Deacon" suppose to do when a full-grown longhorn is charging him down? Ex-communicate him? The only thing getting ex-communicated is the deacon's head from his body. Longhorns drive out the crazy-church-goers with ease.

Winner - #9 Texas Longhorns

#5 Temple Owls vs. #12 Cornell Big Red

I am well aware that the mascot for Cornell is a giant bear, but I need to address the Big Red. Did you ever have Wrigley's Big Red gum? I did. It was awful. It tasted like curry power. Probably the worst gum I've ever had. Now If this was the #12 Cornell Juicy Fruits, then it's a totally different story. But because of my disdain for Wrigley's Big Red, I just can not see them advancing. Plus, Owls are pretty cool. They can swoop down and pick up a full-grown fox in one try. Plus they do that cool thing where they spin their heads around like the exorcist. Owls chew up Big Red and dispose of them in a big, red, chewy owl pellet.

Winner - #5 Temple Owls

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Wofford Terriers

Badgers are quite possibly the most underrated carnivore in the animal kingdom. I would never want to cross paths with one of those things. I'm a big fan of terriers, but let's be realistic here, no mother wants to tell their son that the family dog was ripped to shreds by a hungry, rabid badger. I'm sorry if I had to go there. Nothing can save the little monopoly dogs from becoming badger-food.

Winner - #4 Wisconsin Badgers

#6 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #11 Washington Huskies

These Golden Eagles aren't actually golden, nor are they actually eagles. They only exist because the university was under the impression that "The Warriors" was not an appropriate college mascot. That's super-lame, and so is their eagle coated in goldflake paint. There's nothing better than letting your husky back in the house, only to find a nice golden eagle carcass on the front-step. Huskies advance.

Winner - #11 Washington Huskies

#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #13 Montana Grizzlies

Grizzly Bears are the largest land mammals in North America. A grizzly would clearly destroy any normal animal inferior to it in stature. But the Montana Grizzlies are facing the Lobos of New Mexico. Not wolves, but lobos, and not Rebecca Lobo either. Ok, they are wolves, but they are Mexican wolves. Which just so happen to play in New Mexico. Wait, shouldn't they be called the New Mexico Lobos Nuevos? Either case, that firey New Mexican spirit is too much for grizzly bears recently coming out of Big Sky hibernation.

Winner - #3 New Mexico Lobos

#7 Missouri Tigers vs. #10 Clemson Tigers

Ahh the age-old question: who wins in a tiger fight: a tiger or a tiger? Tony the Tiger is a great role model towards kids, but I don't believe he attended either of these collegiate institutions. Clemson's logo is that stupid paw-print. Missouri wear's uniforms that say "Mizzou", and that is pretty ballsy. (Imagine Syracuse uniforms saying 'CUSE? Ballsy, right?) Anyways, the tiger with balls beats the stupid tiger paw print.

Winner - #7 Missouri Tigers

#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #15 Morgan State Bears

Simple. Mountaineers have guns. Bears don't. Mountaineers like to shoot bears. Bears don't. Mountaineers like to eat bear meat and use bear skin for clothing, bears don't. The hill-people advance after a routine day in the outdoors.

Winner - #2 West Virginia Mountaineers

Next Round:
#9 Texas Longhorns vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccanneers
#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #5 Temple Owls
#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #11 Washington Huskies
#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #7 Missouri Tigers

Up Next: Round of 64 (South)


Danny Forcella said...

this is one of the more enjoyable reads i've sat down with in a while. keep the mascots coming.

Andrew Reuss said...

Well....UVM is an absolute lock for a trip to the sweet sixteen...#moutainfuckinlion...they just might win this whole thing