Sunday, March 28, 2010

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (Midwest)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 347 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching the same old plain-Jane, blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle the silver-green-and-red Highlanders of Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (Midwest Bracket)

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #16 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

Umm... talk about your first round toss-up. I'm not sure Jayhawks actually exist. Then again, Mountain Hawks aren't actually hawks either, they are eagles. Therefore, the fictitious hawk beats the fake hawk in the first round. There are feathers everywhere.

Winner - #1 Kansas Jayhawks

#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #9 Northern Iowa Panthers

I probably should mention that it is more than likely that any mascot which wields a firearm or weapon will usually destroy/kill/mame/defeat any animal-like mascot, except gold ones. (After all, anything made out of gold cannot be destroyed.) Anyways, unfortunately for the Panthers, they aren't made of gold and their opponents are packing heat. No amount of Ali Kabooms from the UNI-bomber can save the Panthers this time.

Winner - #8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels

#5 Michigan State Spartans vs. #12 New Mexico State Aggies

This one looks like it should be a bloodbath, right? I mean, I saw the movie 300 and those guys were fighting an entire empire. Imagine what they would do to a team of agricultural scientists from New Mexico? Like I said before: bloodbath. After all, it would be quite difficult to measure the pH levels of soil when your head has been decapitated and placed atop of a spike. Spartans leave the battlefield looking like a failed science experiment.

Winner - #5 Michigan State Spartans

#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #13 Houston Cougars

Cougars are mean and nasty. They are the largest breed of cat found in North America. They could rip the intestines out of a grown man in just one swipe. All arrows point towards Houston ripping apart the Terps is a blowout. But have you ever seen a full-sized terrapin? They are scary. Much more scary than you would expect. They could pick your hand clean off your arm in one snap. Plus, the hard outer-shell protects them from almost everything except a baseball bat. The Terps outlast the angry felines and move on.

Winner - #4 Maryland Terrapins

#6 Tennessee Volunteers vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

Hmm, I wonder how this one plays out. Let's see. Volunteers are usually known as helpful people, willing to support or help any friend, neighbor or person in need. While Aztecs on the other-hand, are remembered for being the most dominant, powerful, and controlling group of Mexican Indians ever known (well, before the Spanish came in and enslaved them all). Rocky Top is no match for the tribe still angry about the desecration of their entire civilization. Another bloodbath as SDSU advances.

Winner - #11 San Diego State Aztecs

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Ohio Bobcats

This is a really really bad match up. First off, Ohio has a boring nickname (Bobcats) and boring colors (green and white). Everything about Ohio is just sorta mehh. Then you have Georgetown, which has quite possibly the most confusing nickname is all of D-1 sports. There is no such thing as "a Hoya". I'd rather not get into specifics, because well, it's so dumb. Either way I still give the edge to the Hoyas because a) they have better colors (blue and grey) and b) they also feature a live mascot (jack the bulldog). Live mascots rule.

Winner - #3 Georgetown Hoyas

#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Cowboys are cool. Every young boy wants to be a cowboy when they grow up. But somewhere along the line they realize chaps and spurs 24/7 just isn't the life for them. But nobody likes Yellow Jackets. They sting and buzz, and the only way to kill them is by ruining a good magazine. The Cowboys inability to lasso the Yellow Jacket nest comes back to haunt them. Georgia Tech prevails.

Winner - #10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

#2 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

It's the nuts versus the Cowboys in our final Midwest bracket showdown. Getting hit in the head by a falling acorn hurts allot. Gauchos might be tough, and the word "gaucho" is pretty cool, but man, getting hit in the head by a large acorn really, really hurts. Then again, gauchos wear flat-brimmed cowboy hats that would protect them from falling nuts. Plus, can I have a team named "the gauchos" lose to tOSU in the first round? Absolutely not.

Winner - #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

Round of 32 (Midwest)
#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #5 Michigan State Spartans
#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs
#10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. #13 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

Next bracket:
Round of 64 (West)

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