Mascot Madness: Final Four

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

In case you are checking in for the first time, or if you just want to relive some of the memories, here is exactly how we got here:

Round 1: Midwest
Round 1: West
Round 1: East
Round 1: South
Round 2: Midwest and West
Round 2: East and South
Sweet Sixteen
Elite Eight

Here we are, the Final Four. The promised land.

National Semifinals

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

This is the match-up we have all been waiting for. The natives finally get to face-off against the snobs that stole their land in the first place.

The Aztecs come out fired up, wielding dual-tomahawks and firing off flaming arrows every chance they get. Armed with the most hi-tech defense system money can buy, Commodore 64, Vanderbilt thwarts SDSU's initial attack.

This one turns into a slobber-knocker for the ages. With every attack the Aztecs launch, the oil-tycoons are able to counter with their own. This one comes down to determination and pride.

The Aztecs want this one bad, really bad. But like we've seen over and over, money equals power. The Aztecs run out of firepower, and the Commodores are able to overwhelm the natives and once again force all of them into slavery.

Winner - #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

This one is over surprisingly quick.

While the Buccaneers are in town re-stocking for their next voyage, a group of spiders create a nest in the hull of their boat. Fast forward two weeks and nearly the entire crew of Buccaneers are dead from black-widow bites.

After all, it is a well-known fact that sea-going people have weak immune systems due to poor nutrition and health care. It is also true that spiders do in fact nest in the hull of boats, making this match-up one that could have actually taken place when pirates roamed the seven seas.

The spiders might be small, but they are seriously poisonous. It will be the web-slingers against the robber barons for the National Championship game.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders

Next Round: National Championship Game
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #7 Richmond Spiders

Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Final Four Preview

I'm doing this because my family abandoned me on Easter, and because the dog is not being very talkative.

Here we are, the Final Four. The promised land. Are these the four best mascots in the field of 64? probably not. Like Butler and Michigan State, some mascots played the brackets well and have exceeded expectations. These are the four most deserving mascots in the country.


Let's take a look at how all four of these teams got here:

In case you are checking in for the first time, or if you just want to relive some of the memories, here are the results for each round:

Round 1: Midwest
Round 1: West
Round 1: East
Round 1: South
Round 2: Midwest and West
Round 2: East and South
Sweet Sixteen
Elite Eight

#11 San Diego State Aztecs
- Midest Region Champions

Round of 64: #6 Tennessee Volunteers
Hmm, I wonder how this one plays out. Let's see. Volunteers are usually known as helpful people, willing to support or help any friend, neighbor or person in need. While Aztecs on the other-hand, are remembered for being the most dominant, powerful, and controlling group of Mexican Indians ever known (well, before the Spanish came in and enslaved them all). Rocky Top is no match for the tribe still angry about the desecration of their entire civilization. Another bloodbath as SDSU advances.

Round of 32:#3 Georgetown Hoyas
Whatever a Hoya is, it's unable to do any damage to the mighty Aztec nation. The black-and-red natives scalp the entire Young Republicans Club then proceed to march down Pennsylvania Avenue protesting against immigration laws.

Sweet-16: #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos
I am a fan of tournament expansion solely for mascot-related reasons. But here we have a prime example of the beauty of March Madness: Hispanic cowboys versus Hispanic Indians.

I couldn't have set this up any better if I had tried (and I didn't). UCSB against SDSU. Southern California clashes with even-more-Southern California. Big West meets Mountain West.

In a 1v1, a cowboy would usually win, but this is a team sport and a swarm of Aztecs would massacre a group of cowboys. Unless you never passed ninth grade social studies, you know how dominant the Aztecs were. They were like the UCLA of Mexico before the coach Cal's of the world (Spanish Armada) came in and took over.

Sorry Gauchos. I do like the Big West - tt's given us dunk-titan Gerard Anderson and PA announcer/WEC ring announcer Joe Martinez.

But Aztecs are savages. Despite how stupid I think the MWC is, Marshall Faulk's alma mater is paving a path of destruction, and the next stop is the Elite Eight.

Elite Eight: #4 Maryland Terrapins
No team has been able to crack the titanium shells of the Maryland Terrapins.

Until now.

Aztecs seem like the type of people who would feast on large box terrapins. Remember, these are hunter-gatherers we are talking about. They use what ever resources are available. If all the bison and coyotes have ben over-hunted, why not hunt oversized turtles?

It won't be an easy task for the Aztecs. Turtle shells are nearly-impossible to crack, but thanks to an off-night from Greivis Vasquez, the Aztecs are able to flip Testudo on his back. It's much easier to disect a turtle from the underside (Thank you high school biology class), especially when wielding dual-tomahawks.

The Aztecs can now use the shells for armor, weaponry or even as pottery. I've heard turle soup is delicious.




#4 Vanderbilt Commodores
- West Region Champions

Round of 64: #13 Murray State Racers
This is another great match-up. The gold-and-black snobby, old, rich people against the blue-and-yellow jockeys. I've always been a fan of mascots/nicknames involving the racing industry: Greyhounds (Loyola-MD), Thoroughbreads (Skidmore College). Nonetheless, the oil tycoons take this one by purchasing all the jockeys and building a glue factory for the horses.

Round of 32: #12 UTEP Miners
This one is over quickly when Cornelius Vanderbilt purchases all the diamond mines in West Africa. Derrick Caracter bolts, the labor union disbands and all the miners die from malaria. The Commodores are able to replace miners with trained chimpanzees and avoid the recession.

Sweet-16: #16 Vermont Catamounts
Don't get me wrong, I like Vermont. Despite being the only New England state without a coastline, they give us maple syrup, Ben & Jerry's, Phish, and most importantly "SORRENTINE FROM THE PARKING LOT".

The BIAH gods warn us not to go against a Gus Johnson call, but I just feel like The Pennybags family always has a way to get the upper-hand. It could be monopolizing the hemp and dairy industries. Even going on a private expedition of the Vermont frontier, hunting down the entire catamount population is not out of the question. They've got money and power, which is a lethal combination.

Plus, I knew a bunch of hot girls who went to Vandy. The only Vermonsters I know are hippies. I don't like hippies. They like crappy music, force their opinions on me, and think old carpets are acceptable replacements for actual items of clothing.

Elite Eight: #14 Oakland Golden Grizzles
Golden grizzlies are a rare breed. Unfortunately, monopolizing tycoons are the type of people that like to collect rare things. Vanderbilt uses another rare import - 7-foot Australian AJ Ogilvy - to dominate the overwhelmed Summit League champs. The griz are tranquilized, de-clawed and caged. Vanderbilt is going to the Final Four.




#16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers
- East Region Champions

Round of 64: #1 Kentucky Wildcats
All the illegal recruiting in the world can't save Calipari's squad from an good-ole-fashioned rape-and-pillage. Kentucky might have basketball history but what they don't have is anything interesting in terms of mascot, nickname, colors or logo. ETSU has awesome colors (black/yellow/blue), a cool mascot, and a ferocious logo. ETSU wipes out Kentucky, including the capturing of all the team's potential draftees. Calipari is forced to walk the plank.

Round of 32: #9 Texas Longhorns
This battle features a drastic difference in fighting styles. Bucs are dominant swash-bucklers and have a solid rob-to-plunder ratio. Longhorns are slow but powerful, and their horns have a high damage rate. What this comes down to is simple: Desire. Cattle enjoy grazing aimlessly in pastures for hours. Buccaneers on the otherhand are merciless thieves who never turn down a chance to collect some booty. Late in the game, ETSU "cow-tips" Dexter Pittman and he is unable to get up.

Sweet-16: #5 Temple Owls
This is a difficult match-up to forecast.

Owls and Buccaneers are completely foreign to each other. If for some reason a pirate ship were attacked by a parliament of owls (yup, that's what it's called), I'd think the Bucs would have trouble fending off the merciless nighthawks.

On the other hand, pirates do have a good relationship with parrots, so it's not like this will be the first time ETSU will have to deal with aggressive avians. Proper gameplanning and execution pays off as the Bucs pick the hooters right out of the night sky.

Elite Eight: #3 New Mexico Lobos
The name buccaneer comes from the french word boucan, which was a wooden frame that hunters used to cook smoked meat on. The hunters were known as boucaniers.

So basically, buccaneers are nothing more than the gluttons of the swash-buckling industry. They aren't the pirates that are adept at swordsmanship nor are they the pirates known for their good sailing skills. Nope, the Buccaneers are known for their culinary expertise.

That brilliant peice information is the type of thing that can propel a team to the next level. I won't question what pirates are doing in land-locked Eastern Tennessee for now.

The "Iron Chefs of the High Seas" slice-and-dice the lobos, serving them on a bed of couscous, with southwestern challots and chipotle spices.




#7 Richmond Spiders
- South Region Champions

Round of 64: #10 St. Marys Gaels
This might be one of the best match-ups of the first round. I'm terrified of spiders but they make for a unique mascot. Gaels are a small group of scotch-irish people from the mideivel times (no, not that medeivel times). The irish were good at getting rid of snakes, not spiders. Plus, there is a significant ammount of letdown from the fact that I thought "gaels" refered to a strong gust of wind. That would have won it for them. They also would have been better off being called "the Fightin' Samhans". Richmond wins, which makes UFC middleweight champion Anderson "The Spider" Silva very very happy.

Round of 32: #15 Robert Morris Colonials
You would think that the Colonials squash the bugs and advance to the Sweet Sixteen, right? Wrong. You forget that most historical figure mascots have week immune systems due to their rudimentary medical knowledge. One spider bite is all it takes to wipe out the colony of New Pittsburgh.

Sweet-16: #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
Two great nickname/mascot combos meet in our final Sweet Sixteen tilt. It's the eight-legged arachnids against the single-minded arch-duke-kings. Spiderman versus King Louis XIV.

This match up turns out to be an instant classic. ODU's weakness is their lack of control due to having only one government official. However, they make up for their selfishness by playing all five positions on the floor. They can be kings, queens, dukes, emperors, or even sultans.

The spiders have great-court vision (they have eight eyes, duh) and footwork (eight legs, double-duh), which is evident by their speedy backcourt of David Gonzalvez and Kevin Anderson.

Although Monarchs have absolute power, they are known for their backstabbing, in-fighting and general mistreatment of everything they control. Late in the game, Gerald Lee doesn't think Marsharee Neely should handle the ball, so he poisons him. Kent Bazemen beheads Keyon Cooper during the under-four timeout, and head coach Blaine Taylor names his four daughters - Amber, Ashley, Alexandria, and Alana -- as heirs to the Old Dominion head coaching position

Elite Eight: #4 Purdue Boilermakers
Purdue has been steamrolling opponents thus far. The Boilermaker Special has been running at full steam, despite lead conductor Robbie Hummel being out for the season.

Purdue is looking to make it an "all-human" Final Four, but the eight-legged-freaks from the Atlantic-14 have other plans. Spiders are the perfect party-crashers. they are small, nimble, sometimes posionous, and most importantly - really really gross.

There aren't alot of situations in which a spider could physically defeat a speeding train, but sometimes March Madness works in mysterious ways. I mean, Butler AND Michigan State in the Final Four? Anything is possible.

The Richmond Spiders shock the world and become the only non-human mascot in the Final Four.


Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Elite Eight

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

In case you are checking in for the first time, or if you just want to relive some of the memories, here is exactly how we got here:

Round 1: Midwest
Round 1: West
Round 1: East
Round 1: South
Round 2: Midwest and West
Round 2: East and South
Sweet Sixteen

We are down to the best eight mascots out of 65 entries. But at this time you should be starting to look forward to next year's 96-team bonanza. Why?

Because we could possibly see a tournament full of dragons, hokies, salukis, blazers, ducks, titans, seahawks, ramblers, cyclones, and even possibly jackrabbits next year. Then again it's quite possible we just get more cougars, wildcats, bears, and tigers. That would be lame. I'll stay optimistic.

Anyways, after the jump you will find out what four teams are going to the promise land.


Midwest Bracket

#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

No team has been able to crack the titanium shells of the Maryland Terrapins.

Until now.

Aztecs seem like the type of people who would feast on large box terrapins. Remember, these are hunter-gatherers we are talking about. They use what ever resources are available. If all the bison and coyotes have been over-hunted, why not hunt oversized turtles?

It won't be an easy task for the Aztecs. Turtle shells are nearly-impossible to crack, but thanks to an off-night from Greivis Vasquez, the Aztecs are able to flip Testudo on his back. It's much easier to dissect a turtle from the underside (thank you high school biology class), especially when wielding dual-tomahawks.

The Aztecs can now use the shells for armor, weaponry or even as pottery. I've heard turle soup is delicious.

Winners - #11 San Diego State Aztecs


West Bracket

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzles

Golden grizzlies are a rare breed. Unfortunately, monopolizing tycoons are the type of people that like to collect rare things. Vanderbilt uses another rare import - 7-foot Australian AJ Ogilvy - to dominate the overwhelmed Summit League champs. The grizz are tranquilized, de-clawed and caged. Vanderbilt is going to the Final Four.

Winner - #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


East Bracket

#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

The name buccaneer comes from the french word boucan, which was a wooden frame that hunters used to cook smoked meat on. The hunters were known as boucaniers.

So basically, buccaneers are nothing more than the gluttons of the swash-buckling industry. They aren't the pirates that are adept at swordsmanship nor are they the pirates known for their good sailing skills. Nope, the Buccaneers are known for their culinary expertise.

That brilliant piece information (patting myself on the back) is the type of thing that can propel a team to the next level. I won't question what pirates are doing in land-locked eastern Tennessee for now.

The "Iron Chefs of the High Seas" slice-and-dice the lobos, serving them on a bed of couscous, with southwestern challots and chipotle spices.

Winner - #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers


South Bracket

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #7 Richmond Spiders

Purdue has been steamrolling opponents thus far. The Boilermaker Special has been running at full steam, despite lead conductor Robbie Hummel being out for the season.

Purdue is looking to make it an "all-human" Final Four, but the eight-legged-freaks from the Atlantic-14 have other plans. Spiders are the perfect party-crashers. They are small, nimble, sometimes poisonous, and most importantly - really, really gross.

There aren't a lot of situations in which a spider could physically defeat a speeding train, but sometimes March Madness works in mysterious ways. I mean, Butler AND Michigan State in the Final Four? Anything is possible.

The Richmond Spiders shock the world and become the only non-human mascot in the Final Four.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders



Next Round: Final Four
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs
#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Sweet Sixteen

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

In case you are checking in for the first time, or if you just want to relive some of the memories, here is exactly how we got here:

Round 1: Midwest
Round 1: West
Round 1: East
Round 1: South
Round 2: Midwest and West
Round 2: East and South


Midwest Bracket

#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels

This match-up plays out according to the old adage "slow and steady wins the race".

I have no idea why these rebels are running? How can you possibly rebel against something if you are running away?

They are carrying double six-shooter revolvers. Those things weigh a ton. It can't be that easy to run while carrying two firearms. Then there is the ten-gallon-hat, the bandoleer, the holster, chaps, boots, bolo tie... Trying to run with all that crap on would make for a fruitless effort.

Turtles on the other hand are cool, calm and collected. Well, they move slow enough to appear as though they have everything under control. What actually goes on underneath that Kevlar shell is a mystery to all us non-biologists.

UNLV gets out to a quick lead but the Terps slowly close the gap. Second half is dominated by Maryland. Rebs shoot nothing but blanks.

Winner - #4 Maryland Terrapins


#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

I am a fan of tournament expansion solely for mascot-related reasons. But here we have a prime example of the beauty of March Madness: Hispanic cowboys versus Hispanic Indians.

I couldn't have set this up any better if I had tried (and I didn't). UCSB against SDSU. Southern California clashes with even-more-Southern California. Big West meets Mountain West.

In a 1v1, a cowboy would usually win, but this is a team sport and a swarm of Aztecs would massacre a group of cowboys. Unless you never passed ninth grade social studies, you know how dominant the Aztecs were. They were like the UCLA of Mexico before the coach Cal's of the world (Spanish Armada) came in and took over.

Sorry Gauchos. I do like the Big West - tt's given us dunk-titan Gerard Anderson and PA announcer/WEC ring announcer Joe Martinez.

But Aztecs are savages. Despite how stupid I think the MWC is, Marshall Faulk's alma mater is paving a path of destruction, and the next stop is the Elite Eight.

Winner - #11 San Diego State Aztecs



West Bracket

#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts

Don't get me wrong, I like Vermont. Despite being the only New England state without a coastline, they give us maple syrup, Ben & Jerry's, Phish, and most importantly "SORRENTINE FROM THE PARKING LOT".

The BIAH gods warn us not to go against a Gus Johnson call, but I just feel like The Pennybags family always has a way to get the upper-hand. It could be monopolizing the hemp and dairy industries. Even going on a private expedition of the Vermont frontier, hunting down the entire catamount population is not out of the question. They've got money and power, which is a lethal combination.

Plus, I knew a bunch of hot girls who went to Vandy. The only Vermonsters I know are hippies. I don't like hippies. They like crappy music, force their opinions on me, and think old carpets are acceptable replacements for actual items of clothing.

Winner - #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green

The bad boys from Oakland (Rochester, MI) take on the the meanest of the lesser-Texas schools. No it's not "Mean Gene" (Okerlund), nor "the Big Green" (you know, that Disney soccer movie about a team eerily similar to the 'Mighty Ducks', except Steve Guttenberg instead of Emilio Estevez).

The inspiration for North Texas' nickname came from legendary Pittsburgh Steeler and former North Texas alum "Mean" Joe Greene. I might be too young to remember Mr. Greene, but, like, was he really THAT GOOD?

I mean, to get a team named after you, professional or collegiate, you have to be nearing icon status. Shortstop workhorse Cal Ripken Jr. inspired the Aberdeen Ironbirds (MLB-A). The Calgary Hitmen (WHL) are named for legendary wrestler Brett "The Hitman" Hart. Maybe the people in North Texas think "Mean" Joe Greene was a god, but I only remember him from that coca-cola commercial. Plus, Troy Polamalu's version was much better.

Joe Greene might have been a mean dude, but the Summit League champs are straight outta Oakland (OK, they really aren't at all, but just go with it). I saw Jim Brown get his butt kicked by some thugs in an old made-for-TV movie once. Jim Brown was a lot better than Joe Greene at football AND he probably could take a better woopin'.

The O.G.G. - The Original Golden Grizzlies -- give North Texas a back-alley beatdown. Even a gatorade cooler full of Coke Zero can't save the Mean Green.

Winner - #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


East Bracket

#5 Temple Owls vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

This is a difficult match-up to forecast.

Owls and Buccaneers are completely foreign to each other. If for some reason a pirate ship were attacked by a parliament of owls (yup, that's what it's called), I'd think the Bucs would have trouble fending off the merciless nighthawks.

On the other hand, pirates do have a good relationship with parrots, so it's not like this will be the first time ETSU will have to deal with aggressive avians. Proper gameplanning and execution pays off as the Bucs pick the hooters right out of the night sky.

Winner - #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers


#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #3 New Mexico Lobos

The musket-carrying mountain men have their toughest competition in front of them in this #2 vs. #3 match-up. They have already dispatched of bears and huskies, so you would think lobos would be a walk in the park.

But New Mexico is far out of the range of "mountaineer country". The Mountaineers are less-familiar with the dry, arid southwestern desert surroundings. Quickly, it becomes the lobo that is tracking the mountaineer.

Things get ugly for WVU when Truck Bryant gets his foot caught in a bear trap and Joe Mazzulla gets shot with an errant rifle bullet. The team already lost Cam Thoroughman and Deniz Kilicli to dysentery somewhere between Sinking Springs and the Rio Grande. Darington Hobson (Best.Name.Ever) and his pack feast on what is left of the mountaineers.

Winner - #3 New Mexico Lobos


South Bracket

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions

It's quite possible that the National Champion emerges from the south bracket. All four teams boast top-notch mascot/nickname combinations. APB's tough non-con schedule coupled with Purdue's depleted squad have made for quite a post-season dandy. I'm not sure what is more important about a mascot: creativity/originality or ferocity/badass-ness?

Purdue has more originality, but APB has way more ferocity. But to be honest, I'm getting pretty tired of hearing about all the golden creatures in this tournament. At first it was cool, but now it just seems like a cop-out.

How come silver doesn't get any love? I'm still anxiously awaiting the day Tennessee-Chattanooga changes from the "Mocassins" to the "Silver Snakes".

I mean, I would take APB more seriously, but a lion, like, real African lion, residing in Pine Bluff, Arkansas? That's just not believable at all. I like what they are thinking, but come on fellas, this is Arkansas we are talking about. I would have been fine working with a more realistic "Arkansas-Pine Bluff Thundering Muskrats".

Additionally, that rail-splitting sledgehammer held by Purdue Pete is more than enough to render an animal, golden or not, unconscious.

Winner - #4 Purdue Boilermakers


#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs

Two great nickname/mascot combos meet in our final Sweet Sixteen tilt. It's the eight-legged arachnids against the single-minded arch-duke-kings. Spiderman versus King Louis XIV.

This match up turns out to be an instant classic. ODU's weakness is their lack of control due to having only one government official. However, they make up for their selfishness by playing all five positions on the floor. They can be kings, queens, dukes, emperors, or even sultans.

The spiders have great-court vision (they have eight eyes, duh) and footwork (eight legs, double-duh), which is evident by their speedy backcourt of David Gonzalvez and Kevin Anderson.

Although Monarchs have absolute power, they are known for their backstabbing, in-fighting and general mistreatment of everything they control. Late in the game, Gerald Lee doesn't think Marsharee Neely should handle the ball, so he poisons him. Kent Bazemen beheads Keyon Cooper during the under-four timeout, and head coach Blaine Taylor names his four daughters - Amber, Ashley, Alexandria, and Alana -- as heirs to the Old Dominion head coaching position.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders


Next Round: Elite Eight

Midwest Bracket
#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

West Bracket
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzles

East Bracket
#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

South Bracket
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #7 Richmond Spiders
Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Round of 32 (East and South)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 32 (East and South)


East Bracket

#9 Texas Longhorns vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers
This battle features a drastic difference in fighting styles. Bucs are dominant swash-bucklers and have a solid rob-to-plunder ratio. Longhorns are slow but powerful, and their horns have a high damage rate. What this comes down to is simple: Desire. Cattle enjoy grazing aimlessly in pastures for hours. Buccaneers on the otherhand are merciless thieves who never turn down a chance to collect some booty. Late in the game, ETSU "cow-tips" Dexter Pittman and he is unable to get up.

Winner - #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #5 Temple Owls

Badgers and owls never get the respect they deserve. Owls are assassins of the night, preying on any creatures wandering across the forest floor. Badgers are ruthless hunters, and can find food buried well below ground. It would seem unlikely that these two animals would ever actually cross paths. I'm going to give Temple the edge because of pop-culture references. They've got Hooters and "Mr. owl" from the Tootsie Pop commercials. The only things we get from Badgers are a reference on "The Simpsons" and that really stupid youtube video.

Winner - #5 Temple Owls


#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #11 Washington Huskies

These two teams are very similar despite the seeding difference. Lobos are wolves, and wolves are a type of canine. Huskies are also a type of canine. New Mexico is the home of the western omelet and chipotle spices. Washington has Starbucks, the most addictive fast-food chain in the country. Both states are also well-known for their music. Seattle is home to legendary bands Pearl Jam and Nirvana. The New Mexican frontier is inspiration for more than a number of famous folk songs. The advantage in this match up goes to the Lobos only because their nickname is more unique. Maybe if we all weren't sick of hearing about the UConn huskies, we would be more accepting. But we aren't, and the Lobos advance in a triple-overtime thriller. Gus Johnson's call is legendary: "THE WOLVES....ARE LIVIN' LA VIDA...LOBO!!"

Winner - #3 New Mexico Lobos


#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #7 Missouri Tigers

The Mountaineers just might have the easiest path to the Final Four in the entire bracket. But give the mountaineer credit. Afterall it is such a well-rounded mascot. They carry firearms, so most predators don't stand a chance. Mountaineers are also good at tracking prey, not to mention surviving in various conditions and terrain. Finally, mountaineers are very resourceful. They get all the potential resources out of their prey before continuing on. It is going to take a powerful powerful beast to stop these wilderness warriors. Allot more than anything a midwestern tiger has to offer.

Winner - #2 West Virginia Mountaineers


South Bracket

#8 California Golden Bears vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions

This is a clash between the world's most ultimate super-animals. This is easily the biggest super fight in the history of the Animal Kingdom. It would be a bigger draw than Maywether/Pacquiao or Epic Beard man/Amberlamps Guy II. Lions are much quicker than bears and would post a better 40yd-dash time. But in a long-distance race I would take the bears over the lions. This is another closely contested battle which will be decided by just one thing. APB sports one of/if not the most ferocious-looking logos in all collegiate sports and Cal-Berkly's mascot is probably the most pathetic-looking mascot in the country.

Winner - #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions


#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #12 Utah State Aggies

I envision modern-day Boilermakers as your "Joe Everyman" type who drives an American full-cab pickup truck, drinks Bud Heavy religiously, and hasn't missed an opening day of whitetail/trout season since the Big Dog era. Aggies from Utah State could not be more diametrically-opposite if they tried. I see nothing but hybrid-driving, Kings of Leon-loving Scientologists.

Winner - #4 Purdue Boilermakers


#3 Baylor Bears vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs

I feel like Monarchs are allowed to do whatever they want. It is true that bears are the Brock Lesnars of the animal kingdom, but I don't think it would be be unheard of for the Grand Duke of Virginia to banish all bears from the territory. Or at the least, make bear season year-long. Plus, I mean, have you seen their logo? it's pretty bad ass. I just don't think Baylor has anything to offer in this one. Monarchy Rules.

Winner - #11 Old Dominion Monarchs


#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials

You would think that the Colonials squash the bugs and advance to the Sweet Sixteen, right? Wrong. You forget that most historical figure mascots have week immune systems due to their rudimentary medical knowledge. One spider bite is all it takes to wipe out the colony of New Pittsburgh.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders


Next Round: Sweet Sixteen

Midwest Bracket
#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

West Bracket
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts
#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green

East Bracket
#5 Temple Owls vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccanneers
#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #3 New Mexico Lobos

South Bracket
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions
#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs

Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Round of 32 (Midwest and West)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 32 (Midwest and West)

Midwest Bracket

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels

The only #1 seed to advance to the second round faces off against Yosemite Sam's rifle club. This game turns into target practice for the Rebels. All jays, hawks and jayhawks in the Midwest are shot on sight. The feathers are saved and used for Las Vegas showgirl pasties.

Winner - #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels


#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #5 Michigan State Spartans

It is King Izzo and his legion of Spartans versus the Under Armour Ninja Turtles in an epic second-round battle. The Spartans scream "THIS IS SPARTA!", to which the Terrapins reply "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!" Master Gary has taught his team well, and the "heros in a half-shell" defend the mighty Spartan attack. The turtles use their patented "double-buzzer-beater" to squeak out a close victory over the much stronger, more aggressive Michigan State team. Terps win, and do indeed protect this house. King Leonidis is forced to do the "Greivis Shimmy".

Winner - #4 Maryland Terrapins


#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

Whatever a Hoya is, it's unable to do any damage to the mighty Aztec nation. The black-and-red natives scalp the entire Young Republicans Club then proceed to march down Pennsylvania Avenue protesting against immigration laws.

Winner - San Diego State Aztecs


#10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

"Gaucho" is such a kick-ass word. It sounds eerily similar to the first name the Marx brother and it is also a style of bizarre women's fashion. The Yellow Jackets face a team of cowboys for the second straight round, but as it is a well-known fact that once a bee stings, it loses it's stinger and is unable to sting again, eventually dying. Gauchos prosper and move on to the Sweet Sixteen.

Winner - #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos



West Bracket

#9 Florida State Seminoles vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts

Seminoles are native to only a few portions of Florida, while the Catamounts (or mountain lions) can be found in a wide-range of habitats across North America. FSU shows an inability to perform in a neutral wilderness, and thus the Mary-Jane mountain lions pull off back-to-back upsets to advance to the Sweet Sixteen.

Winner - #16 Vermont Catamounts


#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #12 UTEP Miners

This one is over quickly when Cornelius Vanderbilt purchases all the diamond mines in West Africa. Derrick Caracter bolts, the labor union disbands and all the miners die from malaria. The Commodores are able to replace miners with trained chimpanzees and avoid the recession.

Winner - #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

Methinks a man with a fancy sword stands little chance against a metallic ursine. The X-men hang around for a while, swinging back-and-forth on a chandelier, before one paw swipe rips off the eyes, ears, nose, mouth and pencil-thin mustache of D'artagnan, the loyal Muskie mascot. The Grizz lumber into the Sweet Sixteen.

Winner - #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies


#10 Florida Gators vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green

Alligators are mean and green, but we all know everything is bigger in Texas. Tim Tebow goes door-to-door in hopes of converting the opponents to Gator-dom, but is unsuccessful. Whatever this mean green thing is, it's nasty. Not even a lineup including Teddy DuPay, Jason Williams, and Joakim Noah can stop the Mean green team formerly known as the Eagles.

Winner - #15 North Texas Mean Green


Next Round: Sweet-16

Midwest Bracket
#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
#11 San Diego State Aztecs vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

West Bracket
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts
#14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green

Up Next:
Round of 32 (East and South)
Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (South)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

after all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (West)


#1 Duke Blue Devils vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions
Didn't a golden lion save Narnia in that bad-ass children's movie? I'm pretty sure he did. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was killed, then came back to life and destroyed all the forces of evil. What was the last cool thing a blue devil did? Surf on-top of band members during a TV timeout? Every mascot does that. Hell, I'd give the Cameron Crazies better odds of defeating Golden Lions than the actual blue devil.

Winner - #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions


#8 California Golden Bears vs. #9 Louisville Cardinals
The only "golden bear" that these cardinals could stand a chance against is Jack Nickalaus, (the original golden bear) and I'd still not want to wager any money on it. The 80+ year-old duffer could KO a cardinal from 130 yards out with a pitching wedge. This fact makes the Louisville the weakest mascot in the field by far. It's all Cal in this one. Golden Bears are still picking cardinal feathers out of their paws.

Winner - #8 California Golden Bears


#5 Texas A&M Aggies vs. #12 Utah State Aggies
We've got the Texas nerds up against the Utah nerds. I'm gonna go out on a limb and pick the aggies in this one. The Utah Aggies that is. The nicknames might be the same, but Utah State's mascot is scary-looking. I will look past the fact that it has no correlation to agricultural sciences whatsoever.

Winner - #12 Utah State Aggies


#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #13 Siena Saints
Siena calls themselves the saints, but fail to mention that "saints" is short for "saint bernard". I like dogs, but I don't like liars. I'll take the sledgehammer-wielding railroad workers in this one.

Winner - #4 Purdue Boilermakers


#6 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
I think this one already took place. It was a couple hundred years ago. I think Mel Gibson was there, right? No? well you get the point anyways. I feel like I should never bet against an irishman in a fight, but monarchs are in-charge of entire kingdoms, so....yea. Plus, nobody actually enjoys South Bend, Indiana, not even "Touchdown Jesus". The Monarchs win, take over the irish countryside and ship the losers off to the New World.

Winner - #11 Old Dominion Monarchs


#3 Baylor Bears vs. #14 Sam Houston State Bearkats
Sorry SHSU, but you can't make up your own animal and hope to get away with it. Your mascot is neither bear, nor cat. Nor did your university make an attempt to spell it correctly. Strikes 1, 2 and 3. But for you who actually care about animal science, you will be happy to know that the bearcat is most closely-related to the binturong, a nearly-endangered species of badger-esque civet located in Southeast Asia. The scent of Binturong musk is often compared to that of warm buttered popcorn and cornbread. The best part is that I didn't make that up at all. Unfortunately, SHSU decided to be cute and spell "bearkat" with a "k".

Winner - #3 Baylor Bears


#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #10 St. Marys Gaels
This might be one of the best match-ups of the first round. I'm terrified of spiders but they make for a unique mascot. Gaels are a small group of scotch-irish people from the mideivel times (no, not that medeivel times). The irish were good at getting rid of snakes, not spiders. Plus, there is a significant ammount of letdown from the fact that I thought "gaels" refered to a strong gust of wind. That would have won it for them. They also would have been better off being called "the Fightin' Samhans". Richmond wins, which makes UFC middleweight champion Anderson "The Spider" Silva very very happy.

Winner - #7 Richmond Spiders


#2 Villanova Wildcats vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials
If you've been following along this entire time, you've realized that Wildcats don't stand a chance in this tournament. Colonials are amongst one of the weakest human mascots in this field. But, fortunately for them, they take on the weakest overall mascot in the tournament. Bobby Mo turns all former wildcat territory into "New Pittsburgh". It makes the lost colony of Roanoke look like Manhattan.

Winner - #15 Robert Morris Colonials


Next Round:
#8 California Golden Bears vs. #16 Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Grizzlies
#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #12 Utah State Aggies
#3 Baylor Bears vs. #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
#7 Richmond Spiders vs. #15 Robert Morris Colonials

Up Next:
Round of 32 (Midwest and West)
Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (East)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

after all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (West)

#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

All the illegal recruiting in the world can't save Calipari's squad from an good-ole-fashioned rape-and-pillage. Kentucky might have basketball history but what they don't have is anything interesting in terms of mascot, nickname, colors or logo. ETSU has awesome colors (black/yellow/blue), a cool mascot, and a ferocious logo. ETSU wipes out Kentucky, including the capturing of all the team's potential draftees. Calipari is forced to walk the plank.

Winner - #16 East Tennessee State Buccaneers


#8 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. #9 Texas Longhorns

A Demon Deacon is the weakest type of demon out there. I mean, a deacon possessed by the devil? Oh No!, what are we to do? He will surely steal all the money from the church collection box! What is the "Demon Deacon" suppose to do when a full-grown longhorn is charging him down? Ex-communicate him? The only thing getting ex-communicated is the deacon's head from his body. Longhorns drive out the crazy-church-goers with ease.

Winner - #9 Texas Longhorns


#5 Temple Owls vs. #12 Cornell Big Red

I am well aware that the mascot for Cornell is a giant bear, but I need to address the Big Red. Did you ever have Wrigley's Big Red gum? I did. It was awful. It tasted like curry power. Probably the worst gum I've ever had. Now If this was the #12 Cornell Juicy Fruits, then it's a totally different story. But because of my disdain for Wrigley's Big Red, I just can not see them advancing. Plus, Owls are pretty cool. They can swoop down and pick up a full-grown fox in one try. Plus they do that cool thing where they spin their heads around like the exorcist. Owls chew up Big Red and dispose of them in a big, red, chewy owl pellet.

Winner - #5 Temple Owls


#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #13 Wofford Terriers

Badgers are quite possibly the most underrated carnivore in the animal kingdom. I would never want to cross paths with one of those things. I'm a big fan of terriers, but let's be realistic here, no mother wants to tell their son that the family dog was ripped to shreds by a hungry, rabid badger. I'm sorry if I had to go there. Nothing can save the little monopoly dogs from becoming badger-food.

Winner - #4 Wisconsin Badgers


#6 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #11 Washington Huskies

These Golden Eagles aren't actually golden, nor are they actually eagles. They only exist because the university was under the impression that "The Warriors" was not an appropriate college mascot. That's super-lame, and so is their eagle coated in goldflake paint. There's nothing better than letting your husky back in the house, only to find a nice golden eagle carcass on the front-step. Huskies advance.

Winner - #11 Washington Huskies


#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #13 Montana Grizzlies

Grizzly Bears are the largest land mammals in North America. A grizzly would clearly destroy any normal animal inferior to it in stature. But the Montana Grizzlies are facing the Lobos of New Mexico. Not wolves, but lobos, and not Rebecca Lobo either. Ok, they are wolves, but they are Mexican wolves. Which just so happen to play in New Mexico. Wait, shouldn't they be called the New Mexico Lobos Nuevos? Either case, that firey New Mexican spirit is too much for grizzly bears recently coming out of Big Sky hibernation.

Winner - #3 New Mexico Lobos


#7 Missouri Tigers vs. #10 Clemson Tigers

Ahh the age-old question: who wins in a tiger fight: a tiger or a tiger? Tony the Tiger is a great role model towards kids, but I don't believe he attended either of these collegiate institutions. Clemson's logo is that stupid paw-print. Missouri wear's uniforms that say "Mizzou", and that is pretty ballsy. (Imagine Syracuse uniforms saying 'CUSE? Ballsy, right?) Anyways, the tiger with balls beats the stupid tiger paw print.

Winner - #7 Missouri Tigers


#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #15 Morgan State Bears

Simple. Mountaineers have guns. Bears don't. Mountaineers like to shoot bears. Bears don't. Mountaineers like to eat bear meat and use bear skin for clothing, bears don't. The hill-people advance after a routine day in the outdoors.

Winner - #2 West Virginia Mountaineers

Next Round:
#9 Texas Longhorns vs. #16 East Tennessee State Buccanneers
#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #5 Temple Owls
#3 New Mexico Lobos vs. #11 Washington Huskies
#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. #7 Missouri Tigers


Up Next: Round of 64 (South)
Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (West)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 314 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching The same old plain-Jane blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle The silver-green-and-red Highlanders of East Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (West)



#1 Syracuse Orange vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts

This should be listed as the Orangemen vs. the Mountain Lions, but political correctness and animal conservation obviously got in the way. I mean, the Orange? Orange what? Just, the Orange? It's not even "the Big Orange", "the Mean Orange", or "the Fightin' Orange"? It's not even "the Orange Crush", or "the Orange Terror"? That is so lame. I'll give Vermont the pass just because Syracuse' effort is so poor.

Winner - #16 Vermont Catamounts


#8 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. #9 Florida State Seminoles

This matchup does not bode well for Gonzaga on any front. Boring name, boring color combo, recycled logo, old jerseys, you get the picture. FSU has a great color combination, cool uniforms, a kick-ass logo, and an awesome mascot. It's a shame that a Seminole can't ride onto the basketball court before home games and throw a flaming spear at the center circle. That would be sweeeeeet!

Winner - #9 Florida State Seminoles


#5 Butler Bulldogs vs. #12 UTEP Miners

Here is what I know: Miners dig holes, and Bulldogs are not blessed with the proper physical tools or brains to get out of holes. Texas Western advances.

Winner - #12 UTEP Miners


#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #13 Murray State Racers

This is another great match-up. The gold-and-black snobby, old, rich people against the blue-and-yellow jockeys. I've always been a fan of mascots/nicknames involving the racing industry: Greyhounds (Loyola-MD), Thoroughbreads (Skidmore College). Nonetheless, the oil tycoons take this one by purchasing all the jockeys and building a glue factory for the horses.

Winner - #4 Vanderbilt Commodores


#6 Xavier Musketeers vs. #11 Minnesota Golden Gophers

It's a shame the selection committee put this one together so early in the tournament because both have Final Four caliber mascots. Musketeers are usually seen as macho, suave, cutlass-wielding heroes, which is um ... pretty awesome. But they are up against Golden Gophers. It's like a combination of Caddyshack and Mighty Mouse. But I mean this could really go either way. The X-men versus golden puffy-cheeked idols. Xavier wins because of that cool swash-buckling poncho he wears. I remember Mike Tyson wore one like that during fighter entrances. The only thing the Gopher wears is that stupid sweatshirt. Who do you think you are? One of the Chipmunks?

Winner - #6 Xavier Musketeers


#3 Pittsburgh Panthers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

The Panthers play home games at a place called "the Zoo". We all know that zoo animals are mostly lazy and domesticated. Their opponents hail from Rochester, Michigan. But their jerseys say "Oakland", and it's a proven fact that Oakland is a bad, bad city. Domesticated animals don't stand a chance against the Golden Grizzles when they wear their black jerseys. A Golden Grizzly from Oakland might just be the baddest mascot on the planet.

Winner - #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

#7 BYU Cougars vs. #10 Florida Gators

Have you even seen a Gator in real life? I got chased off a pond in South Carolina by one back in the day. I must have biked damn near 5 miles before I looked back. Gators will eat anything. They are nasty, nasty creatures. I always sorta thought that Joakim Noah looked like an alligator. I dunno. Anyways, a Cougar wouldn't stand a chance. Not even a good mormon Cougar would.

Winner - #10 Florida Gators


#2 Kansas State Wildcats vs. #15 North Texas Eagles

This is another curious match-up. Wildcats are the most boring mascot animal. Plus no school can actually house a live Wildcat for games, because that would not be safe at all. Plus, can't they be more specific. Aren't most breeds of cat considered wild? Even the "Kansas State Barncats" sounds better than what they have now. But then again KSU's color combo of purple and black is rather awesome. Their opponents, the North Texas Eagles, prefer to go by the nickname "The Mean Green". I'm not really sure if it is official or not. I didn't think it was, but they have it listed on their website, so I'll allow it. If this is some sort of mean, green, bird of prey, then North Texas totally takes it. Plus, I am a big fan of their uniforms.

Winner - #15 North Texas "Mean Green" Eagles


Round of 32 (West)
#9 Florida State Seminoles vs. #16 Vermont Catamounts
#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. #12 UTEP Miners
#6 Xavier Muskateers vs. #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
#10 Florida Gators vs. #15 North Texas Mean Green
Continue reading...

Mascot Madness: Round of 64 (Midwest)

One of the great things about March Madness is that there are so many small-name teams that you have never heard of playing on the big stage. What makes this so great is that with 347 possible contestants, we are bound to have a handful of interesting nickname/mascot combinations in the tournament year in and year out.

After all, isn't that what you look forward to the most? Spending Thursday afternoon watching the same old plain-Jane, blue-and-white Kentucky Wildcats battle the silver-green-and-red Highlanders of Western Poly Tech State?

It is common knowledge that we here at BIAH are the leaders in unnecessary college basketball information. Since we have this 64-team bracket in-front of us, we decided to try and determine the best mascot in March Madness.

Each day we will reveal a new portion of our bracket, leading up to the Championship game on April 5th, when we determine the best mascot in the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Round of 64 (Midwest Bracket)

#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #16 Lehigh Mountain Hawks

Umm... talk about your first round toss-up. I'm not sure Jayhawks actually exist. Then again, Mountain Hawks aren't actually hawks either, they are eagles. Therefore, the fictitious hawk beats the fake hawk in the first round. There are feathers everywhere.

Winner - #1 Kansas Jayhawks


#8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. #9 Northern Iowa Panthers

I probably should mention that it is more than likely that any mascot which wields a firearm or weapon will usually destroy/kill/mame/defeat any animal-like mascot, except gold ones. (After all, anything made out of gold cannot be destroyed.) Anyways, unfortunately for the Panthers, they aren't made of gold and their opponents are packing heat. No amount of Ali Kabooms from the UNI-bomber can save the Panthers this time.

Winner - #8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels


#5 Michigan State Spartans vs. #12 New Mexico State Aggies

This one looks like it should be a bloodbath, right? I mean, I saw the movie 300 and those guys were fighting an entire empire. Imagine what they would do to a team of agricultural scientists from New Mexico? Like I said before: bloodbath. After all, it would be quite difficult to measure the pH levels of soil when your head has been decapitated and placed atop of a spike. Spartans leave the battlefield looking like a failed science experiment.

Winner - #5 Michigan State Spartans


#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #13 Houston Cougars

Cougars are mean and nasty. They are the largest breed of cat found in North America. They could rip the intestines out of a grown man in just one swipe. All arrows point towards Houston ripping apart the Terps is a blowout. But have you ever seen a full-sized terrapin? They are scary. Much more scary than you would expect. They could pick your hand clean off your arm in one snap. Plus, the hard outer-shell protects them from almost everything except a baseball bat. The Terps outlast the angry felines and move on.

Winner - #4 Maryland Terrapins


#6 Tennessee Volunteers vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs

Hmm, I wonder how this one plays out. Let's see. Volunteers are usually known as helpful people, willing to support or help any friend, neighbor or person in need. While Aztecs on the other-hand, are remembered for being the most dominant, powerful, and controlling group of Mexican Indians ever known (well, before the Spanish came in and enslaved them all). Rocky Top is no match for the tribe still angry about the desecration of their entire civilization. Another bloodbath as SDSU advances.

Winner - #11 San Diego State Aztecs


#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #14 Ohio Bobcats

This is a really really bad match up. First off, Ohio has a boring nickname (Bobcats) and boring colors (green and white). Everything about Ohio is just sorta mehh. Then you have Georgetown, which has quite possibly the most confusing nickname is all of D-1 sports. There is no such thing as "a Hoya". I'd rather not get into specifics, because well, it's so dumb. Either way I still give the edge to the Hoyas because a) they have better colors (blue and grey) and b) they also feature a live mascot (jack the bulldog). Live mascots rule.

Winner - #3 Georgetown Hoyas


#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. #10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Cowboys are cool. Every young boy wants to be a cowboy when they grow up. But somewhere along the line they realize chaps and spurs 24/7 just isn't the life for them. But nobody likes Yellow Jackets. They sting and buzz, and the only way to kill them is by ruining a good magazine. The Cowboys inability to lasso the Yellow Jacket nest comes back to haunt them. Georgia Tech prevails.

Winner - #10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets


#2 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

It's the nuts versus the Cowboys in our final Midwest bracket showdown. Getting hit in the head by a falling acorn hurts allot. Gauchos might be tough, and the word "gaucho" is pretty cool, but man, getting hit in the head by a large acorn really, really hurts. Then again, gauchos wear flat-brimmed cowboy hats that would protect them from falling nuts. Plus, can I have a team named "the gauchos" lose to tOSU in the first round? Absolutely not.

Winner - #15 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos


Round of 32 (Midwest)
#1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. #9 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
#4 Maryland Terrapins vs. #5 Michigan State Spartans
#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs. #11 San Diego State Aztecs
#10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. #13 UC-Santa Barbara Gauchos

Next bracket:
Round of 64 (West)
Continue reading...